Worrying has gotten the best of me
By livingbeyondbcThis entry was written by Jackie Roth, PhD student at Thomas Jefferson University. Jackie was diagnosed with Stage III A breast cancer at the age of 28. Every other Friday, throughout the entire year of 2011, Jackie will share a blog entry about her breast cancer experience. This year-long blog series is in honor of LBBC’s 20th anniversary.
To read Jackie’s previous entries, enter “ Jackie Roth” in the search box on this site.
Thinking about it now, I can’t even count the number of hours I’ve spent in a doctor’s office over the last year. There were weeks when I had at least one appointment per day, if not more. And not to mention the countless hours in the waiting rooms too. But, as I have just finished my radiation treatments, I am spending less and less time in the doctor’s office.
At first I didn’t notice the lack of doctor’s appointments affecting me because I have been completely consumed with writing my thesis. I’ve been writing non-stop ever since my radiation treatments finished, trying to get my last seven years of research into one document. I am definitely happy that my thesis is finished, all 250 pages, and now I have more time to focus on my life outside of school.
Jackie is happy to announce that she has completed her thesis! Congratulations, Jackie!
Recently, many of my doctors have said to me “See you in three, or even six, months.” I even heard from one doctor, “See you in a year.” I was completely shocked. It just didn’t feel right knowing that I would not go back for months. What if something goes wrong in that time? I know that I can always call in, but it is not the same reassurance as having a set appointment each week.
Adjusting to this “new normal,” or really my “normal before I was diagnosed,” has been the hardest part for me. I was much more comfortable going to the doctor each week, having a plan in place. I don’t really like the new plan of “we will image you twice a year and just see what happens.” I can’t handle the idea of just sitting and waiting. It is hard enough to wait now, let alone waiting for the results after I actually get a scan. I am already worried about every little pain that I feel. I can’t help but think it is the cancer coming back in a different place. I know I am driving my husband crazy with all of the worrying. One day I feel pain in my throat, the next day it is my hands, followed by my bones. My doctors have appeased me by sending me to specialists and running tests to calm my fears. But I still worry. Does the worrying every stop? Does it stop when you make it to the 5-year-mark?
The transition of less doctor’s appointments is also difficult for me because I am physically moving jobs. I will be graduating from school in three weeks and moving onto a new job located across town. Currently, I spend my days across the street from my doctor and if I ever need them, I know they are right outside, just a minute or two away.
In the back of my mind I know that most of this is out of my control. I can’t control the fact that I have to move across town. I can’t control the fact that now when I fill out forms at a new doctor’s office, I have to mark the “cancer” box when there is a check list of your past illnesses. I can’t control if the cancer will come back. Hopefully soon I will be able to control how much I worry because it is going to be a long and tiring five years if I continue worrying at this pace.
Can you give Jackie any suggestions on how she can curb her fear of recurrence? How did you put “worrying” aside and rely on your faith to get you through your recovery? Comment here or on ourFacebook page.
If you, like Jackie, have recently completed breast cancer treatment and find yourself worried about the “cancer coming back,” you may want to order LBBC’s Guide to Understanding Fear of Recurrence.
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