20Jun
There’s so much I could write about from the other side. I remember that ring of my pager when I was working – expecting that it must be a good result since I was in the middle of a busy 10 hr day in the office. Listening, I heard the voice of my colleague telling me it was malignant . Not an unusual thing to hear on the phone but NOT about ME. It was all wrong.
It was waves of more bad news that made me weaker and weaker, not being able to believe soon that I could get control again.
I remember, when I was applying for Emergency Medicine after Family Medicine training, that someone said to me that it was extremely competitive – there was only one spot – “Good,” I said ,“I only need one spot!” That was the fighter in me. I got that spot. That’s also what hurt so much….. I had worked so hard to get to where I am and one phone call was taking it all away.
I lost who I was – no more work , no more people thanking me for caring, no more tennis or energy. Hair gone, all breasts gone – I was left with nothing but a smile and my personality and a massive void. Would everyone forget me as I no longer showed up at work?
As the cards poured in from patients, I realized that I had touched so many lives over the years and meant so much to patients who didn’t even say anything. Wow, I gave myself to people everyday, never realizing the impact I had beyond that. This is a terrible disease that strips us to the core but there is the other side to adversity that you would otherwise never know.
It is that fighter in me,that picked myself up to choose to fight back. I did not fade away forgotten and took steps into a new world, sometimes uncomfortable steps but a little positive feedback gives you a reason to try something else. It is that little Jiminy Cricket in our brain that we have to listen to and trust that each day is a new day and moving forward is one more day away from the past. I had to understand who I had lost and learn to love the new me even more.
It is hard when people think they know how you feel since it is not only the burden of cancer but what I lost and didn’t know that I would get back that made me upset and fragile inside. Now, when a patient asks me how to look after their relative with cancer or tell a patient that a mammogram is abnormal, there is another layer of unsaid understanding and respect that I know is there for a reason. I may not know how long my life is but I certainly know why I’m here and that is now more passionate than anything.
It was waves of more bad news that made me weaker and weaker, not being able to believe soon that I could get control again.
I remember, when I was applying for Emergency Medicine after Family Medicine training, that someone said to me that it was extremely competitive – there was only one spot – “Good,” I said ,“I only need one spot!” That was the fighter in me. I got that spot. That’s also what hurt so much….. I had worked so hard to get to where I am and one phone call was taking it all away.
I lost who I was – no more work , no more people thanking me for caring, no more tennis or energy. Hair gone, all breasts gone – I was left with nothing but a smile and my personality and a massive void. Would everyone forget me as I no longer showed up at work?
As the cards poured in from patients, I realized that I had touched so many lives over the years and meant so much to patients who didn’t even say anything. Wow, I gave myself to people everyday, never realizing the impact I had beyond that. This is a terrible disease that strips us to the core but there is the other side to adversity that you would otherwise never know.
It is that fighter in me,that picked myself up to choose to fight back. I did not fade away forgotten and took steps into a new world, sometimes uncomfortable steps but a little positive feedback gives you a reason to try something else. It is that little Jiminy Cricket in our brain that we have to listen to and trust that each day is a new day and moving forward is one more day away from the past. I had to understand who I had lost and learn to love the new me even more.
It is hard when people think they know how you feel since it is not only the burden of cancer but what I lost and didn’t know that I would get back that made me upset and fragile inside. Now, when a patient asks me how to look after their relative with cancer or tell a patient that a mammogram is abnormal, there is another layer of unsaid understanding and respect that I know is there for a reason. I may not know how long my life is but I certainly know why I’m here and that is now more passionate than anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment