I am a Cancer Victim







Posted on  by      http://regrounding.wordpress.com/2013/03/07/i-am-a-cancer-victim/  
vic·tim  [vik-tim] noun
1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.
2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.
(from dictionary.com)

This one is going to rankle some feathers, and I look forward to a brisk dialogue in the comments section!
So let me set the stage. It’s Monday night, #BCSM TweetChat. As the chat begins introductions are made. Since the majority of the group knows each other, quite intimately in fact, there’s lots of cross-talk: updates on health, conferences, journal articles, blog posts, etc. You can feel the sheer joy many of us experience in reconnecting and settling in to an hour of support, love and learning, with virtual milk and cookies at the end.
Now imagine you’re new to this group. I would guess that for some, jumping into the dialogue is a bit like daring to be the newcomer at a crowded table in the high school cafeteria. I know when I started in chat I was a bit unsure. I know, too, that many newcomers introduce themselves with a bit of trepidation, letting us know that they will be lurking – both negotiating the rapid pace and ensuring they feel safe are challenges.
On a few occasions it’s gone something like this:
“Hi, I’m so-and-so and I’m a cancer victim.”
Which is then greeted with some variation on:
“We aren’t victims here.”
And THAT is where I get bent out of shape. I mean, we’re not even talking about the labeling of someone else as a cancer victim, but about self-identification.

I get it. I know that there are no “regulars” in the #BCSM community who identify themselves as “victims.” Even the label “survivor” is wrought with controversy and resistance. I know that it’s actually frowned upon to be a “victim;” considered disempowering. I also know that this is not an issue unique to #BCSM. You see it in oncology offices, cancer support groups and I even know someone who was “corrected” by her own therapist.
My question is this: Who are any of us to shape, determine, judge how another self-identifies? Are we really that sure that our view is the right view?
When it comes to crimes, car accidents, 9/11 and natural disasters we are quite comfortable with the word “victim.” There is no judgment, no stigma. The Red Cross rushes in with aid, we provide food and shelter for victims, money pours in from across the country. In the US, FEMA arrives…we focus our efforts and energy on solving the problem, not placing blame. In fact, we assume blame exists externally – no earthquake or tsunami victim is at fault.
Then there are things like cancer and poverty and rape, where “victim” becomes an shunned word; one that does involve blame. Look back at the definition at the top. There’sno blame there. Somehow, though, when these more subjective topics come into play we recoil, get angry about – even judge – the use of the word “victim.”

Yet it seems to me a victim is someone upon whom an outside force acts, impacting the person negatively. Wouldn’t we all say that about our cancer?

I often find when we turn things upside down they are not at all what they first appear to be. And I find the more I think about this, the more I wonder if our visceral anger when hearing “cancer victim” isn’t about our not having completely, deeply shaken the notion of blaming the cancer victim. Is it possible that we reject so full-hardly the “cancer victim” in an effort to dispel any possibility that this is our fault? And if so, why do we accept the blame at all?

Looking forward to your thoughts passionate responses…please play nicely!

17 THOUGHTS ON “I AM A CANCER VICTIM”

  1. Lori – I’m so glad you wrote this post. It’s been said before and I don’t think it can be said enough – to each their own. Every one of us is different. We have different backgrounds, upbringings, and values. And every one deals with their cancer differently. And that’s OK!! It’s also OK that one might change their view of who or what they “are” in regards to their cancer over time.
    I think it’s important that we continually remind ourselves of what we as a community are all about. Of course we want to educate and empower. But at the end of the day, what we also want to do is support and respect. Respect that every one has the right to “do their cancer” in their own way – just how we respect the desire of someone to live in the city versus the country, or to wear purple versus wearing green. And support the decisions another person makes, even if you don’t agree with them.
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  2. Lori…
    Your points are well taken and they are crystal clear. And you are right. We’ve been slammed by a force over which we had NO CONTROL despite what some might try to force upon us. I’ll wear the victim label with you.
    In fact, when I google how I FEEL, which is victimized, this is what appears:
    vic·tim·ize
    /ˈviktəˌmīz/
    Verb
    Single (someone) out for cruel or unjust treatment.
    I’d say that fits. Cancer is cruel and there is not a single thing “just” about the treatment.
    I can be a victim and still be an empowered patient, an anchored activist (phrase stolen from Jody), a passionate advocate. If the definition fits……it FITS.
    I might propose we consider “hostage,” too. According to Merriam Webster:
    Hostage: One who is involuntarily controlled by an outside influence.
    It fits…. I hope this is a lively conversation and I hope everyone plays nicely, too. If there is a tar and feathering, however, I’ll be right beside you….. without a second’s hesitation or a blink of my eye.
    Love you…
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  3. I am one who doesn’t like to use the word victim when it comes to my cancer. I didn’t use the word victim when I was sexually assulted in college either. I did not say “I was a victim of sexual assault.” Rather, I was sexually assaulted.
    I am not a cancer victim. I was a cancer patient. Now I am a cancer survivor. But I am way more than my cancer.
    I have people introduce me to others like so: “This is Nancy, she had breast cancer.” I don’t introduce my friend as “This is Judy, she has herpes.”
    If someone refers to me as a victim of cancer, I won’t correct them, because in a sense I am, but I view myself as a survivor…of life and every curve ball i has thrown my way. And there have been a lot.
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  4. Hi, Lori, I meet people who do feel victimized, which suggests that someone did something to them while they were passive. That must help a little if you have encountered people who follow up on news of your diagnosis with questions about what you did to get this disease. It’s interesting that people refer to car crashes as “accidents” even when a driver behaved intentionally or with reckless misconduct. Yet people address others who suffer from disease as responsible just as automatically. This is the case even though consumer affairs and health reporters change their guidance as to the healthiness and safety of common practices all of the time. One minute eggs are bad, then your friend. The same is true of meat. Diet sodas were good for helping you manage your weight. Now they are a trigger for insulin problems and obesity. Maybe it is comforting for others to think of us as victims because they subconsciously (or consciously) believe that people get what’s coming to them. The corrollary would be that if you live “right” and follow the rules this cannot happen to you. Sadly self-serving semantics. If someone wants to call herself a victim, then I have no problem with it. She should make the choice.
    One of the women I met in treatment never mentions “having” cancer. It’s never “her” cancer. Her view is that this frees her from it because she doesn’t “accept” it. If that works for her then I try to remember that when speaking with her. I think of it as my enemy. I have used the “war” jargon when I wanted to stoke the passion for handling challenges during treatment and recovery.
    I think we should each choose the signs we’ll hang around our own necks. If someone else is a victim, a survivor, or a disease, I am okay with that. However, when I introduce them to others, like NanceBeth, I avoid saying things like, “Meet my friend X, she has ___ cancer.” I don’t think about that as a personal trait. If it were, today I would be, “Cheryl, she has unclipped hangnails, radiation cystitis, and a bunch of unexplained red dots on her legs. She goes by the nickname ‘Unexplained Side-Effects of Cancer Treatment.’”
    You can call me Cheryl. I answer to that, too!
    Lori, as always, thanks for posting such thought-provoking material.
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    • Love THIS:
      I think we should each choose the signs we’ll hang around our own necks. If someone else is a victim, a survivor, or a disease, I am okay with that. However, when I introduce them to others, like NanceBeth, I avoid saying things like, “Meet my friend X, she has ___ cancer.” I don’t think about that as a personal trait.”
      Love it….. We choose and we choose how we incorporate that into our lives. I’m still VERY cautious about those who do know. “Is it in your family?” is beginning it irk me:
      “Yes, my mom, but it wasn’t in HER family….. and now she’s had two different diagnoses at twenty year intervals and is currently metastatic, in other words, she WILL either die of or die with breast cancer. No Stage V and no option C either.” BOOM. (Ok, I’ll admit, I generally say that in my mind while I’m smiling as they pepper me with questions that I either choose to answer as a “teaching opportunity” or I ignore because of the sheer ignorance of the questions.) My patience is wearing thin with the blame game or the need for those looking over the fence to placate their own fears at my (our) expense.
      Maybe I’m just cranky right now. I can’t get to the oncologist AGAIN today…. Nine inches of snow. No plow. Still coming down. Another neighbor to my mom’s rescue. I DO have a name for those people: Selfless, Kind, Considerate, Truly HEROES. She has 3 immediate neighbors. Last visit one neighbor took her, today, neighbor #2 stepped up. And I sit here, snowed in, feeling helpless.
      xoxo
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  5. Thanks for this, Lori –
    The word victim makes me shudder. In the context of cancer it implied powerlessness. And that is not how I wanted to feel going in for treatment for this disease. Did I consider the concept of blame? Sure. I’m a woman, without children, I started my periods early. But victim? No. It’s just not part of my vocabulary, or experience.
    What’s of more interest: how these stereotypes prevail after years of “consciousness” raising. That’s a deeper cultural issue I’d love to understand. An individual’s reaction to her cancer tells us a lot about who she is and the kind of support she might need. My concern is that – for now – the woman who considers herself cancer’s victim is not on #bcsm.
    Happy weekend!
    Xxoo
    Jody
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  7. Wow! Such an incredible topic to think about! I never ever thought I was a victim of my brain tumors or Cowden’s Syndrome…although sometimes I feel smothered and choked by them (due to my anxiety and trying to cope and process them).
    I went to a presentation last night where my neurosurgeon spoke and the majority present had brain cancer…I never considered those there to be victims of cancer. Come to think of it, I don’t actually know what/how I think of them.
    I guess fighting with EVERYTHING they have within them like I am.
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  8. I read a book in the not so distant past titles, Personal Accountability. It spoke to the victim cycle and how to “break” free of it. There are certainly people who have a higher than average victim mentality but as I read the book I realized that even me, the Pollyanna that I am, can at time be found in the victim loop.
    In my current work with breast cancer patients I encounter a few of these “victims”. They are usually the patient who doesn’t fare as well during treatment which for me illuminates the association between mind, body and soul. However to provide loving, compassionate care and guidance to everyone it become a requirement to learn to temper our tongues and not alienate someone who probably very much needs the very supportive care that can be provided by me or in this case the group.
    We do not all come to the table from the same background or with the same baggage therefore we must discover ways to reach everyone and as my yoga teacher says…it is often times the most challenging pose that gives us the greatest breakthrough.
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  9. Victim isn’t a label I’d choose for myself though the definition ‘person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action’ certainly fits and the scars act as a reminder lest I should miraculously forget someday. The word victim seems to have become enshrouded with negative connotations such as being weak or helpless whereas survivor seems to signify something heroic and super human. The definition of survivor is simply a person who survives or copes well with difficulties in their life. I’ve never thought of myself as being defined by cancer so victim and survivor don’t really fit either. Its just something that happened and I have to deal with it – like the pernicious anaemia that arrived from nowhere 10 years ago. As others have said, I think its up to the individual to decide how they talk about themselves. There is a fair amount of research to suggest we become our words and act into them so on that basis I’m Tracy, mother, daughter, sister and friend enjoying the rest of my life whatever happens.
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  10. Lori, this is such an important post. Labels are a hot-button for me. I think it’s because I don’t like being defined by others; however, we all have a right to define how we perceive ourselves. Nowadays, “victim” has such a negative connotation in cancer circles, and I really am not sure how that happened. Thank you for writing such a thought-provoking, excellent post.
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  11. I don’t like to put a labels to myself because I would end up with far too many lol
    I don’t like to call myself a victim of anything. I have cancer because of unknown circumstances
    I am me, who I always have been I just happen to have Breast Cancer. however that being said when I address an envelope or sign my name I don’t use
    Ms Alicia.___________ Breast Cancer Victim
    I have never identified myself as a disease or anyone else.. I firmly believe that people fall into the trappings of trying to be politically correct and everything we do say or think has to be identified with something. As I said if I were to do that I’d run out of room…..
    Thanks for a very enlightening piece!!
    Love Alli…..
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  12. Very intriguing topic. I never thought about the distinction between “flood victims” and other such things and how the word victim applies to people with cancer. To me, being a victim means you are totally powerless over your situation. I have been living with stage IV cancer for five years and in no way consider myself a victim.
    I believe like other people said here, there are so many ways we can empower ourselves after a cancer diagnosis. While no one knows of cancer’s causes unless there is a genetic mutation, there is growing evidence of the body, mind, spirit connection, the role of diet and nutrition, being proactive, and other things we can do to empower ourselves to live more fulfilling, healthier lives. I believe this to be the case whether, you’ve experienced violence or a natural disaster. It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it that defines who you are. Thanks to this discussion, I will rethink my use of “victim” in other contexts.
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    • In jest I’ve referred to myself as having my PhD in Cancer.. Perhaps I’ll say Im “experienced” in Cancer? I too hate labels.. “Victim” is too simplified and the term seems to effectively closed the door on further discourse on the “affliction ” oops , done it again.. Another label!
      Thanks for the engaging discussion :)
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  13. Reblogged this on anotheronewiththecancer and commented:
    Wow, great post, great discussion. I love anything that causes thought provoking discussion.
    I am fascinated by the knee-jerk rejection of the word victim. Based on the definition in the beginning of this post, being a victim is nothing to be ashamed of, really. It is not like I actively “asked for it”; I did not sit around, cigarette dangling out of my mouth, beer in one hand, fatty chicken leg in the other going “come and get me cancer!” I did not cause my cancer. And I think there is something to be explored when you say “I wonder if our visceral anger when hearing ‘cancer victim’ isn’t about our not having completely, deeply shaken the notion of blaming the cancer victim.” The message that one can prevent cancer by eating right, exercising, abstaining from smoke an alcohol is ubiquitous and the way I interpret it, I am being blamed for getting cancer. I see many comments about empowering oneself and choosing to do all these right things, and I wonder if that is about helping the patient feel back in control. I pose this question: if we desire to empower ourselves and exert control by doing all these right things, and reject the notion of victimhood, then if cancer returns, are we willing to accept blame?
    The word victim seems to be another troubling—for me—piece of the confusing language of cancer. I do not generally call myself a victim, but after this post I might. If I remember correctly, rejection of the word started when breast cancer activism began borrowing from AIDS activism, as patients began to identify as activists, and then blew up when the Komen/Livestrong warrior language (wish I could remember the places I read this, so I could site it). I have so much trepidation regarding these words: awareness, survivor, victim, warrior, acceptance, battle, fight, hope. I am coming to terms with identifying as survivor but I may never be comfortable with the warrior talk. I did not battle cancer; I made logical, informed decisions to go to a doctor, learn my options, and engage in treatment. It wasn’t as dramatic as gearing up for a firefight in Iraq or something, but I do not consider myself passive either; that would’ve been choosing to not get treated and let cancer kill me. To me hope is the most passive word in the bunch, but that is the one slathered all over breast cancer awareness ads, and usually embraced in the community. I don’t like it. Sounds like we are just supposed to wait like good little patients, and hope someone finds a cure. Bleh, no thanks.
    It is odd to me that there is discussion about victim mentality; if anything, the example you presented seems to indicate the opposite. Sounds like specifically in this instance there was almost peer pressure to reject victimhood and so forth. I do not think it is a symptom of victimhood mentality, or a failure to move forward by recognizing that cancer had a major impact on my life. Obviously it did, or I would not be blogging about it, or reading other blogs and commenting on them.
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    • I was going to post something on this but you stated the things I believe with more eloquence than I could have. I chose the term cancer victim for myself because I feel as though I’ve been attacked. One year ago i was fine, looking forward to a summer of kayaking and hiking. Never happened because I was attacked by breast cancer. I can’t get justice from my attacker, but I can learn to cope with the scars ( emotional and physical) that remain. I think, for me, it is more empowering, and more emblematic of the long journey that remains ahead, waiting to see if the attacker returns, for the rest of my life. Not overtly, just nervously glancing over my shoulder with each scan or appointment.
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